Kissing: the Good, the Bad, and the Ugly

Let’s talk about one of my favorite activites in the world: kissing

Otherwise known as: lip-locking, smooching, canoodling, necking, making out, pecking, frenching

This is one of my favorite images. In fact, I have a puzzle, watch face, and used to have a purse (with bedazzled accents) with it plastered on it. This is why I am such a romantic- I blame this image.

Kissing is quite vital to a successful relationship.
Whether it be in the courting stage, honeymoon phase, or at the point where chapel bells are in the horizon- kissing is always present.

(It better be present… if not, then you should probably jump ship immediately)

Kissing can cause several things, such as:

• Spontaneous combustion: this is caused when you kiss, something erupts within, overheat/passion occur, melting
• Fishy thoughts: this occurs when you are lip locking with a slimy one and you begin to feel like a fish is flailing around aggressively in your mouth. EW.
• Soul-shaker: Ahh- these kisses sink in real deep, penetrating your bones and shake your soul a bit. You come out from your hiding place.
• Mauling: Sometimes kissing leads to some fumbling… but this is good, fun, flirty fumbling- not to be confused with football fumbling.

Of course, several other things can happen (such as baby-making, arguments, bitten lips, etc.) but this will suffice for now. You get the picture, Reader.

This is true. I knew a guy once that did this- and it was a deal-breaker. Creep-radar was going off- abort immediately.

Now, let me break down the different: types and do’s/dont’s

I am not an expert on the subject, but I feel that I must share my experiences.
So I can enlighten you or perhaps remind myself what kissing involves and who to avoid.

(MEN, just replace ‘her/she’ where there is ‘him/he’- it goes both ways. Promise.)

Kissing Revealed:

• If he has tight lips, keeps hands in one spot on your back and overall seems awkward: he is uptight- not good.
• If he runs his fingers through her hair and perhaps gives it a little tug: he is passionate and knows what women like- very good.
• If he cups your face in his hands and/or touches your face/ears at all during necking: He is genuinely nurturing and cares about you- excellent.
• If he kisses you and simultaneously break into a soft conversation: He is extremely confident- and that is extremely sexy.
• If he is all over and is slobbering on you like an infant or puppy: He is way too much, most likely going to be overbearing and overzealous- and is drooling a lot- this is extremely bad.

Keep drool in your mouth. Do not slobber on me. Keep yourself in check, buddy.

• If he kisses you for extended periods of time and fairly often: He really wants to get to know you- this is very good.
• If he kisses you all over your face- nose, forehead, cheek: He is smitten and adores you- good for you.
• If he randomly snags you, grips the back of your neck, and pulls you in to plaster his lips on yours (and maybe a quick tongue): He is trying to captivate, seduce, and keep you interested. This is a ‘surprise’ kiss and they are extremely effective.
• If he is able to scoop you up or you are able to pounce on him and then proceed into a lip-lock: He is attracted to you & you to him. You are very comfortable with each other- this is good and could lead to soul-shaking.

We all remember this kiss- it all started out with a glance across the stage, the bee-line towards each other, and then the scoop-grap-and-kiss. They are caught: hook, line, and sinker.

Kissing Do’s/Dont’s:

• Do make sure your lips aren’t too wet or too dry.
• Don’t smoke, chew, or have the taste of strong alcohol. It is unattractive and makes me gag: just….. don’t do have these nasty habits.
• Do have fresh breath to an extent- meaning, I don’t want to taste bad breath but if you just ate a PB & J I really do not mind if you have a little flavor. I understand having a constant minty scent is quite a high standard, I’m willing to compromise.
• Don’t keep your eyes open. EVER.
• Do remember kissing is a form of foreplay. Go at your own pace, be a tease, get hot and heavy, do whatever you you wish.
• Do kiss in public: I don’t mean you need to maul each other, but stealing some kisses in public shows confidence and assertiveness in what your feeling- it is extremely attractive. Helloooo Mr. Hunky! 
• Do not swallow me whole: I had a boyfriend once that was like this- notice he is in the past.
• Do use everything you got: Tongues, teeth, sucking, etc.- use it all and enjoy it.
• Finally… Baby, DO NOT OVER THINK A KISS Kissing is one of the most old-fashioned, intimate, primitive, wonderful activities you can do with someone. So turn off your brain and just go along with it all.

Gustav Klimt, "The Kiss." One of my favorite works of art.

Baby, baby, do I love kissing.

Anyone else feel this way?